The party gets out of hand when a snake makes a guest apprearance
After about half an hour, because Axel and Beetlejuice first had to go back to their room to replenish their hip flasks for emergencies, they found themselves on the balcony of the biggest, most lavish suite in the hotel. They were in excellent spirits when they got to the party room and started to chill on the plastic chairs on the balcony. In their absence the yuppies had fired up a few bad bowls of some shit they’d brought with them and soon they were all just sitting around - baked. Axel and Beetlejuice were still clutching their flasks. Everyone was happy.
Beetlejuice was in the zone getting all extra analytical about shit, hanging over the balcony and staring at a black Mercedes parked below the balcony and trying to figure out how to disassemble the stupid thing to see how it works while concentrating on keeping his eyes screwed up to stop his eyeballs from falling out of his head and into the gutter below.
Then, one of the yuppies went back into the room and Beetlejuice had hardly even noticed he left, because he’s in the middle of his imaginary removing the fuel injection system, like screwing around with some wires and shit, and then the yuppie comes walking back. He crouches down on the ground in front of Beetlejuice, sets something on the ground and walks away.
Beetlejuice tore his eyes away from the car and looked down. He thinks, “Hey cool, it’s a mouse and shit.“ Took him a good minute to realize this sick coke head just set a bloody rodent on the ground by his feet. Beetlejuice had had so much whiskey, he was trying to remember how to get the muscles in his neck to work to look at Axel who’s standing next to
him and ask him “What is this sick fool doing”, when all hell broke loose.
He sees this stupid mouse sitting there eating on what the hell ever he set on the ground in front of it. BeetleJuice is thinking, “What kind of moron has a pet mouse, and if you have one, why set that bitch by me to eat a piece of cheese? Put that bitch in a cage to eat and shit.”
Then out of the corner of his eye, the one he has muscle control over now, he see the yuppie come back out onto the balcony, he is about 5m away walking towards Axel and BeetleJuice, when he stops and sets something on the ground.
Beetlejuice thinks, “Oh great, another flippin mouse with a complex about eating a fucking piece of cheese in his own cage.” So, being the genius he is, Beetlejuice starts to call bullshit on the yuppies having all kinds of furry little demons on the floor, and then he realized something, that’s a damned funny looking mouse……….
Only, it ain’t no mouse.
It’s a damned snake!!!!
That sick yuppie scumbag has gone and put a great big snake in a room full of people.
This bitch snake just starts slithering around minding his own business and before long he must have sensed or seen the mouse. The thing spun around and just sat there for probably only a second or two, and then did this weird shiver thing….
Now, while this is going on, BeetleJuice is doing his damnedest to send a signal to his legs to just plain GET THE FUCK UP….
No such luck….
What he had not realized is that furry little rodent had finished his delectable dinner of some Velveeta or whatever and moved on to perch atop of his foot! The foot with no shoe on. He no sooner realized this and here goes mr.nolegs cold blooded reptile coming his way. The whole scene was in slow motion like in the movies at the good parts of an action scene.
He looked back to his foot and here is the fluffy thing sitting and look up again and here comes what black snake, tongue flicking out of his mouth. Eyes straight at the rodent! The snake did not look THAT big when he was a good 5m away!!!!!
Now his eyes are going nuts back and forth trying to see what is going on, and all the while he’s trying like hell to even move! Back and forth, snake, fluffy, snake, fluffy, snake, fluff…
Then BAMM!! That bitch was on top of his foot and tearing the shit out of that rodent…
A signal must have made it too the legs because BeetleJuice jumped from a seated position and damn near put his head through the ceiling. He’s screaming like a little bitch and about to kill anything within reach, Axel included. Asshole, he must have known about that thing all along. As BeetleJuice jumped the snake was flung back towards the direction he came from, and Beetlejuice’s eyes were closed so he couldn’t see if the mouse was in his grasp at the time of lift off, or if his ass was propelled in a totally different direction.
Beetlejuice’s instantly focus on the snake. He can’t see his ass to save his life, so he now assume the snake is pissed and seeking revenge…
Soon Beetlejuice is on the top of the balcony railing going insane and screaming like a 12 year old locked in a dark cupboard. No-one could even make out what language he’s screaming at, but everyone had a pretty good idea he was pissed! Some yuppie yelling, “Get the hell off of the railing man, it’s cool, he isn’t going to fuck with you.”
BeetleJuice shouted back “To hell with you and that bitch reptile. Ruined my buzz and made me shit all over myself man.” Then the assholes started cracking up, and now he’s really pissed! He doesn’t give a shit, all he want to know is where that menace landed, and how he’s getting out of the room.
BeetleJuice decides “I am a man, I’m not scared of snakes. I’m getting down from here”. Down off of the railing he climbs full of whiskey induces bravado. He get both feet on the balcony and start to walk over to the door. He’s going to his room before he loses control and tears the yuppies apart for pulling this prank on him.
Then, NO…..
The damned snake slithered out from under the coffee table and just stops and stares right at his ass like, “You’re paying for this shit…”
BeetleJuice jumped back. Tripping over a plastic chair and knocking a bottle of beer over the balcony.Immediately a car’s siren went off. BeetleJuices wild eyes were fixed on the snake as one of the yuppies grabbed it and stuffed it in a shoe box. Tearing his eyes away from the shoebox, and as the yuppies ducked inside the room he looked over the balcony at the black Mercedes in front of the hotel. Only Axel and Beetlejuice were left standing on the balcony, blinking at the Mercedes and wondering what the hell just happened as it now sported a broken windshield. The snake was forgotten.
Next, two big guys in long black coats came running out of the next door building. They walked carefully towards the car and peered inside. Beetlejuice was still standing on the balcony checking out this lot. Axel next to him, holding his flask and blinking at the car and thinking. “What the hell just happened? What’s that noise, man?”
Again a persistent neutron made it through the alcohol and alarm bells started ringing in Axel’s brain. These guys were big. The car was big and expensive. They were standing there and had to get away. But their feet wouldn’t move. More electrons were dispatched to their feet. They needed to get away but they were standing there, flasks in hand (they’d long since given up on the glasses that kept on breaking) as if transfixed. The yuppies were inside trying to draw their attention to tell them to get inside. The guy with the snake had the shoe box under his arm.
Then suddenly, they both reacted at once, as if an electric shock jolted them into action. They jumped back inside the room, but the lights were off for obvious reasons and one of them knocked over a chair. Immediately there were shouts from downstairs. The yuppies weren’t glad to see them when they finally made it inside. They sat there in the dark for a while. The yuppies whispering to each other. Axel and Beetlejuice couldn’t quite make out what they were saying, but the word trouble came up more than once.
Then there were a loud knock on the door that startled everyone. Axel, who had been nodding off in the dark, got such a fright he dropped his hip flask and it clattered on the floor. The yuppies glared and hissed at him and rolled their eyes at each other.
Beetlejuice, always first to see the humour in a situation was suddenly overcome by the giggles. But, no-one wanted to go and open the door. Everybody just sat there. Axel and Beetlejuice, being fearless didn’t quite understand how everyone could turn into wussies all of a sudden. Before they could act however heavy footsteps and mumbling voices disappeared down the staircase.
There were heavy gulps. Axel and Beetlejuice, through the Jameson induced clouds in their heads, realized there’s some trouble brewing here. It seemed to Beetlejuice like a good time to retire to their humble adobe because, as he decided immediately, he wanted an early start home. But the yuppies were still too rattled. They were sitting in a heap on the bathroom floor chewing their nails. The sight sickened Axel. He went into the room and switched the lights on. Then they left for their room, Beetlejuice having to walk over the bed to keep a safe distance between him and the shoe box with the snake in it, to pack their stuff. That early start suddenly seemed very important to Beetlejuice.
They were barely in their room when there were a knock on their door. It was their new best friends from next door. A friend of the guy that dropped the glass on the Mercedes held a note in his hand and made soft whimpering sounds. He looked white as a sheet and could hardly speak.
Axel and Beetlejuice could make out only snippets.
“We’re in big trouble” said the guy. Then he shoved the note under Beetlejuice’s nose. He took it and read:
“It is alleged that someone in this hotel damaged the car of a customer of the establishment next to the hotel. We have been told in no uncertain terms that the guilty parties will be dealt with severely as they are known to the doormen. Will the guilty parties please come forward and call the owner of the car on 085558555 to avoid unpleasantries. The hotel hereby distances itself from the conduct of it’s patrons and will do anything in it’s power to assist in finding the culprits. By Order - Management”
That was the last straw. Axel snapped the letter from Beetlejuice’s hand, snatched the hotel telephone from the bedroom table and dialed the number. Beetlejuice and the frightened neighbour looked at each other. One of the yuppies moved towards Axel but he held up his hand to stop him. Beetlejuice made a downwards sign with his hand as if to say “Don’t worry everything is OK, Axel will sort this out. He’s good at this shit. It’s going to be alright, you’ll see.”
They both got a fright when Axel suddenly barked into the phone:
“Who’s this?” Off course they could only hear one half of the conversation.
“Who?”
“Well, whatever. Listen here, mister. We’re not afraid of you pussies. Don’t threaten us. We’re no strangers to violence and will kick your sorry arses. O and one more thing, that car of yours is ugly and slow. Don’t park it near our 4×4’s or boats.” Then he slammed down the telephone and looked up smugly. The neighbours made more whimpering sounds and one sunk down onto the bed, holding his head in his hands.
Axel went over and put his big hand on his shoulder like he’s consoling a child. Meanwhile the other yuppies, who had now come in to the room, all looked worried to see one of their toughest friends reduced to a crying mess on the bed.
Axel shook his head and said “tsk-tsk - when the going gets tough, the tough gets going” or something to that effect. He looked at everyone, cleared his throat, hoisted up his pants and said: “Look you guys, it’s not serious. These guys are just trying to scare you. Don’t let them get to you. I’ve just spoken to their main man and told him what to expect of you guys. You’re not going to be intimidated. I told him you’re not scared of him. It’ll be OK, just show some backbone.” Then he calmly checked his watch out of the corner of his eye and continued packing his stuff in his backpack.
The yuppies were staring at Axel with gaping mouths. Then someone croaked: “Those guys are Russian mafia and the building next door is a brothel that belongs to them. The Mercedes is the car of one of the big knobs. His bodyguards saw the movement on our balcony and they’re now after us. They know which room we’re in and they’re waiting for us. We’re dead, man.” Then he looked longingly at the outside window…
Beetlejuice’s heart missed a beat. Axel dropped the dirty underpants he was about to wrap in a plastic bag and picked it up again with trembling hands. Here, indeed, was some form of trouble brewing. But he continued packing, albeit with more urgency. Beetlejuice’s stuff was packed in a jiffy. Then they grabbed their bags, shoo-ed the yuppies out of their room with some words of encouragement and hints that Gold Visa Cards that might help to de-fuse the situation with the Russians. As soon as they were alone they grabbed their bags, snuck out of the room, down the fire escape and leopard crawled through the hotel garden to where their bikes were parked.
It was around 3 in the morning and still dark. Suddenly they were both glad the bikes didn’t have lights. If ever a quick, fast exit was called for, this was it. Beetlejuice could hardly contain his enthusiasm and tied his belongings to his bike in record time, then he jumped on his bike and started pumping the kick starter. The bike burst into life on the second attempt,
shattering the small hours of the night silence. Some guinea fowl sleeping in the big old blue gum tree flew into the air, adding to the racket. Meanwhile Axel was swearing. He’s tied his stuff to his bike and was stabbing away at the kick starter.
But the stubborn bike refused to start.
There were shouts in front of the hotel and the lights of a car came on and swung in their direction. Axel’s leg was pumping up and down at lightning speed. Just as the cars lights moved over them the bike started and they were both off, riding directly towards the car. The car skidded to a halt and both bikes went past it on either side. Luggage flapping in the wind and sparks flying from Axel’s side stand that he didn’t have time to tie up with the piece of wire. The bikes wobbled around the corner into the main road and disappeared.
Meanwhile the guys in the car, another dark Mercedes, has turned it around and set off with screeching tyres to catch the fleeing dark shapes of the two bikes.
Axel took the second road left. The previous day, while looking for accommodation they’d driven down this road and he knew it turned into a dirt road. The general direction was towards Cape Town and with a bit of luck they could lose the car with some cross country riding in the dark. Without lights. They’d barely hooked 5th gear when they saw the lights coming. The car was gaining on them when they found a deserted dirt road heading into the veld and both swung towards it simultaneously - knowing it’s their only hope. The Mercedes followed but the headlights were now bouncing crazily up and down and the bikes were pulling away.
Just as they started to relax, Beetlejuice’s bike started missing and then died 10m further along. He jumped off and looked for somewhere to hide. Then the cars lights swung towards him, victoriously. They’ve seen his predicament. He fumbled with the kick starter but the bike was dead.
Then he remembered the fuel tap. In his haste he’d forgot to open it. His trembling hand found the tap and tried to twist it. He had to try and calm himself and after what felt like minutes but surely could only have been seconds, he felt it give and twist. His leg never stopped kicking through all this an immediately the bike fired, dug in and shot off down the road where Axel has already disappeared. The black Mercedes swung wildly as it reached the spot where Beetlejuice was parked, then disappeared down an embankment in a dust cloud.
Tags: Richtersveld Adventure
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